What does reconciliation look like for me?
How do we move forward in reconciliation with God?
I am most times glad for steps. The 'how to's of moving forward is where i begin. I've been working through those steps year after year. And as I did, what I was witnessing, was what I thought to be a wonderfully controlled relationship with God come crashing down.
Social contracts were a big one. I thought that God approved of them. As an intercessor, I was investing, going the hard yards. I had promises in hand. I had given up this or sacrificed that. It felt like all in the name of relationship. They were right there grounded in his word, but they weren’t working anymore, and I was scared. I liked my social contracts, and I thought God did too.
Laying down my rights, even the right to know why God is not answering. Doesn’t he know how important it is for me to make sense of things? I had a lifetime of events I was trying to make sense of.
I was angry; I was hurting.
I can remember one pivotal time, all tucked in bed and hoping this might be a night when I could sleep. I said to God, "OK. Give me one thing to do, and I will do it." I was ready to fast more, sacrifice more, do the next hard thing. I was poised and ready to receive orders. I was thrust from semi-sleep with an audible voice that night which said,
"Will you just flippin enjoy me?!" (he speaks my language)
It took a while to even put the two together. Enjoy you is the one thing you are interested in me doing?? Shall I just drop everything I am doing and enjoy you? What in tarnation would that look like anyway???
I am thankful for Jim Wilder, who back in the day wrote ‘Red Dragon Cast Down.’ He is no stranger to darkness in all of its forms. Yet today he speaks on no subject more than he does on JOY! I am learning how to marry the two, because I realized a healing journey can only be as good as our capacity to get back to joy. Up until now I was scraping bottom to get by on no joy. I would have settled for low joy. I stated working with my spirit more and addressing the pain a bit less.
I also remembered a time decades before that one. It was at a woman’s meeting, and the pastor’s wife had a word for me.
"Get up from the cross and into the garden, or you will self destruct."
Looking back now, it had the same theme- walking with God in the cool of the day. Enjoying him. Yet I chose to self-destruct, or it chose me.
Quite like Arthur mentioned at one time in his life, all he/I seemed to see was the devil’s fingerprints everywhere. So I prayed,
‘Can you give me eyes to see yours?’
This has been a big part of my journey. It is why I built this website. I want to continually discover 'a bigger view of God' and I sometimes need the help of other people's stories to do that.
That journey takes many forms in my life and it is expanding. 'Office of Personhood' is phenomenal. I think commoditization always ends up in self destruction. At least, it did for me.
The pain factor was/is still there. I add this tool and that as in above. But my priority my first go to is, the awe of God.
Putting language to something is powerful, but sometimes I just have to be and rest and know that God is always at work, even if it is behind the scenes.
This year's window is being processed. Always first in the secret place, then celebrated with God, thoroughly journaled until one day I go live!
And like Arthur, the heavenly archives await me. When closure is complete and the answers I seek are given.
In the meantime…